when disaster strikes

Malaysians talk louder than what they can actually do. a lot think that they are smart. usually they think they are smarter than anyone out there. they make conjectures from thin air. they think what they read on Facebook and twitter is the real thing. they believe hearsay more than facts. not many Malaysians love to read, but they act as if they have read so much.

so the flood has hit Malaysia. again. we get this every year. and every year seems worse than the last. and every year, there will be a lot of unnecessary remarks made by smart alexes.

Malaysians complain so much that it is hard to be grateful with what they have. there are the ones who need help and they complain that help arrives late. the ones who are being helped complain that there is not enough of everything. the leaders try hard to show that they are doing something. the ones who are not involved are busy making their hypotheses of why things happen. they complain that help is not enough, the government is not doing enough, the money is not channelled to the right people and so on and so forth. and they don't contribute a thing. they don't donate money, they don't volunteer, they don't even try to make things better.

i guess this will never change. Malaysians will always be Malaysians.

Tuhan, jaga dia untukku..

i looked at my son today. i couldnt help but feel this sudden sadness within. it dawned upon me that anything can happen anytime and anywhere. what if anything happened to me? what if i ever had to go and leave the world for good, would anyone look after my son and love him as much as i do? i will never know. but i pray that he will always be in safe hands..

may God protect you my son. with or without me by your side.

patients lie all the time

Being a doctor is about listening to your patients' stories attentively and reply compassionately. They cry and tell all their sob stories to you, hoping that you will be on their side. Unfortunately patients lie most of the time. And they lie to doctors with no guilt or whatsoever. They lie directly at your face thinking that truth will never be told. the lie about everything. They lie about taking their meds when they actually dont. They lie about their symptoms. They lie about being victimized when all they want is extra financial help from the government. They lie because they are scared to be seen that they dont comply or to show that things happen with no reason.

The good thing about being a doctor is that we have our nurses to do the gossipping and tell us the reality behind all the fabricated act. but knowing the truth usually happens after we have wasted hours of our life listening to made up stories(and maybe adviced something to help ease their made up agony).

so over time, doctors learn. At least i do. I have been lied to so many times that i grow to judge my patients before actually meeting them. This is crucial to ensure that i dont get thrown with mud at my face again and again.

some house officers get scolded because they are not good

so now seems to be the time where house officers in malaysia are complaining and writing in their whining and whinging to the media. absolutely repulsive. to tell you the truth, why make your job a big deal? is it really that great? well, it is great if you make people better and keep quiet about it. but once you start complaining how tired you are because your job is demanding, then i don't see how noble your job seems to be anymore. by right, doctors help to make people feel better. but we should never expect something out of it. if people appreciate what we do, well and good. but if they don't, so be it.

frankly, house officers who whine and complain too much are those who get a tougher training compared to their peers. but why does that happen? blame it on themselves. one will not get scolded if one is really good at his/her work.  if you keep making mistakes, you will surely keep being scolded. eventually, you will break and you will blame other people for your own weakness.

so to me, those who complain are the very ones who deserve to be scolded because they are not good at what they do. they need the scoldings because they keep making the same mistakes. i don't remember being humiliated or scolded till i feel like crumbling, coz i know i was good at what i did and i will continue to try to be great at it. medicine is a field that plays with people's lives and emotions. one single mistake and people can die. it is not something that we can make do with mediocrity. that explains the tough training.

stop complaining. start to be better. if you still get scolded, you are not cut out for this profession.

irresponsible men vs my perfect man

I come across so many types of people everyday. On a daily basis, i see a mininum of 50 new faces with a spectrum of personalities and their own sob sob stories. Some are happily married, while some are stuck in a cycle of domestic violence and neglect. Most of these women i see are helpless as they are uneducated and not aware of their rights as wives.

Seeing women treated unfairly by their spouses are absolutely heart wrenching. They depend so much on their men that they think they are trapped with them forever. Like there is no way out. They are left at home with a lot of kids to look after, mouths to feed, but not much incentive given to survive. Some of these women are still young in their early twenties but they already have five kids to look after. They usually end up looking twenty years older. when we suggest contraception, the husbands come up with so many religious excuses.

I wonder why some men do not know how to be responsible. They want to get married but once they have children, they forget that it takes two to make things happen. They talk to their wives as if they deserve to be treated badly. They forget that they once promised for better or for worse.

Of all men i have met, there is this one particular guy who has always been sweet to me. I couldn't find any man more polite to me than him. His words are always refined around me. He never raises his voice just to show authority. He advises me in a way that makes me adore him more. He makes me want to be a better person for him. He never does things to purposely hurt me. Never in a thousand years would i imagine him hitting me. His touch is always gentle and loving. His smile is always there to brighten up my day. I wish all men would treat their wives just like he would do to me. He makes me feel safe and secure and above all, he makes me feel beautiful inside out. He is no other than my loving hubby whom i adore so.very.much.


Although it is still early, i want to wish you a very Happy fifth anniversary. I love you more than all the love in this world..

malaysians and their idiotic slanders

A few weeks back the nation was shocked by the story of a pretty young girl whose house was broken into and she was assaulted badly on the face with a knife. Her picture in the hospital with her head wrapped with bandage and blood everywhere became viral within hours of the incident. Most were sympathetic. But being malaysians, there has to be some people who should have learned to keep their mouth shut.

During hard times like this, it is bad enough that her scarred face became viral, but having to hear some heartless rants from complete strangers who know nothing better, is definitely hurtful. Not only were they not being sympathetic, but these idiots have managed to come up with completely nonsensical slander regarding the incident. what if it happened to them instead? will hurtful rumours help them to feel better?

When our fellow malaysians become victims of a heinous crime, it is always best to send our condolences and prayer rather than add salt to injury. The last thing a victim needs is an accusation that she did that to herself.

Please, be nice. It doesnt cost you a penny to be nice.you wont know when it is your turn to hit rock bottom.

auto pilot

It is amazing how our body goes into auto pilot mode when the brain gets tired or thinks about something.

I have been in many moments where i dont even realise that i am driving. The next thing i know, i have already reached my destination. I cant even remember if i actually drive past red lights. At times, i snap out of the auto pilot mode in the middle of my journey. When this happens, i would go into some minor anxiety attack, trying to think what just happened.

Am i day dreaming too much? or am i just tired..

toddlers and constipation

looking at my son everytime he passes motion can be very hurtful. not only for him, but also for me. when he passes motion, he will have this classical constipated look; as if it is really painful and hard to pass those stools. at times i wonder if i have been feeding him enough fibre. or have i not.

his face goes all red and engorged, his eyes start to water and he keeps quiet for a moment. this episode can last from 30 seconds to a couple of minutes. once he finishes, life resumes normally like nothing has happened. but the trauma sticks with me. it is indeed very painful to see him struggle just to pass his stools..

constipation is a vicious cycle for toddlers with poor fibre diet. once they find it painful to pass motion, the next time they have the urge to open their bowel, they will try not to. so the stool gets harder the next time. and the cycle continues.

95% of my patients (toddlers) who have constipation are usually caused by poor fibre intake. well, toddlers can't get their own food, so the blame is definitely on the parents. sometimes parents change their toddlers' milk on a monthly basis just to get the best milk for them with the hope that their constipation disappears. most of the time changing milk does not work.

most parents forget that milk is not fibre. whether their toddlers like it or not, it is vegetables and fruits that help ease constipation. sometimes if they really hate veggies, i suggest yogurt and drinks like vitagen instead. snacking on prunes and fruits is way better than crisps. so sometimes giving in to their terrible two tantrum is not always a good thing. coz once they are hit with constipation, it can last for years if the vicious cycle is not halted.

so many things to do

There are so many things that i want to do. I want to sell things and be filthy rich, i want to go to third world countries and do humanitarian work, i want to donate money to the needy and make them smile, i want to raise my son and make him successful, i want to read books during my free time, i want to buy a persian cat and feed it till it gets really fat and cute, i want to potty train my son, and i want to do so many things in my life.

What is stopping me? cant really answer that. probably laziness or too busy with other things.. or do we need more than 24 hours a day?

pregnancy and me

when women talk about the difficulties of being pregnant, they usually talk about the same thing.

1) contraction pain

2) weight gain

3) pimples

4) skin itch

5) overactive bladder

And the list goes on and on

The above list doesnt really bother me much

So now i am going to talk about MY experience during pregnancy that REALLY bothers me

1) nauseated all the time except when i am eating - hence the excessive weight gain

2) non stop urge to sit in front of the tv and watch as many movies as i can and do nothing - i stop cooking, washing the clothes, vacuuming... Basically keeping the house clean..

3) pain in my butt when i lift my legs; especially when putting on my trousers. Gosh it hurts so bad that it feels like my legs are falling apart and that my pelvis is splitting into two

4) inability to scrub my feet and cut my toe nails - hence my horrible looking feet throughout my pregnancy

5) no sleeping position seems comfortable

6) leg cramps at night that make me cry EVERY TIME - hence the need to wake my hubby up to massage my leg at 3 in the morning

And the list goes on and on..

Love your children. They are residents of heaven.

There are so many articles and talks emphasising on good communication between partners. The problem with the society in this country is that a lot of us are too used to speak in a higher than usual tone, or simply not used to saying thank you, please and sorry. Parents fight in front of their children using harsh language and they seem to be oblivious of the facts that their behaviour is being copied by their children. After all, how bad or rough their parents are, children will still look up to their own. They still yearn for their attention and love. Even when they are terribly hit and abused, they will still run towards their parents and not away from them.

If children are allowed to choose with whom they want to hug at times they are sick and in pain, they will still choose their parents regardless of how much their parents might not care about them. How sad.. If you have seen victims of abuse at a young age, you will cry to see how inhumane some people are and how unfair life is to these helpless kids.

Once they grow bigger and wiser, then they will start to distance themselves from their parents. By that time, it will be too late for parents to undo their mistakes. Adolescent angst will prevail and continue till they leave the house for good.

Be good to your partner. Be loving and gentle. Apologise when mistakes are done. Say thank you when it is due. Be attentive to your children. Show them that you care. Hug them when they cry. Tell them that they are special. Do not hit because you are angry. Coz when you do, you will hit harder than you should. Never teach something when even we do not do it. Coz children are always better at copying than rationalising.

Arrogant doctors part 2

Again i was disturbed by a facebook posting by a newly gazetted hospital specialist critiscizing and putting down their colleagues from the primary care. She mentioned something very demeaning that to me was an unfair generalisation that could easily offend many.

Posts that put people down especially other doctors invariably invite more demeaning comments from loyal friends that are intended to support the person. So the cycle goes on and on and more people will get hurt in the process.

I strongly support the health DG of malaysia to punish this lady doctor for being unprofessional and unethical. Her arrogant, conceited and cocky remarks are a reflection of her true self that does not abide by the professional ethics of doctors.

May doctors stop thinking that one is superior to the other as there will always be moments where we will all make mistakes and fall hard to the ground.

Having a bit of humility does not hurt. Instead, It makes you bigger.

senyum itu sedekah

Charity means giving without expecting anything in return. Giving without even realising that we are, is the epitome of a charitable act.

Smiling in itself is a form of charity. At least in my religion it is,

But when we smile and people dont smile back, we get terribly offended.

So where is the spirit of charity? Arent we supposed to smile at people and be ready of not getting anything in return? Including another smile?

Get our purpose right. Or we will never stop complaining,

The signs are everywhere

There is so much injustice in this world. There is so much slander. There are fabricated news everywhere that we do not know what is right anymore. There are gossips vis-a-vis the real thing. There is reputation at stake due to media manipulation. There is so much bad vis-a-vis the good. There are so many unanswered questions. There is too much vice. There is never an end to all of this.

We have been warned of the impending doom and the little signs that come before it. And why are we still nonchalant about it? Are we too engrossed with worldly affairs that we forget what awaits us in the hereafter? Haven't we seen and heard enough?

Signs are everywhere. Why do we still have a tough time searching for them? Are we actually looking with our eyes? Or are we in constant denial?

May God guide us in the right path..

Food stalls vs mice

I was happily eating my roti canai this morning when i suddenly saw a glimpse of a not so small creature crawling about five feet away from me. I did not flip, but it kinda got me thinking for a bit.

Naturally, eating at a stall set up next to one of the biggest drains at the housing area, we expect these creatures to be roaming the area. With or without one of the best food stalls opened nearby.

So these creatures are called mice. Do we stop eating there just because we saw one miserable looking rat behind the cashier counter?

But the food is simply good.

Oh well.. What do we expect? Choosing to eat next to the smelly drain comes with consequences.

Housemanship in malaysia - my experience and the rest of them

I was a houseofficer once. I had to do things that all houseofficers had to do. I had to run to the blood bank for blood products. I had to wait (stupidly) at the blood bank for half an hour till the blood is ready and then run back to wherever i came from. I had to wake up early in the morning to see patients. I had to skip breakfast and lunch most of the time. I had to go home hours passed my working time. I had to come home feeling so tired that i would go straight to bed. I had to hurt my family for not being there for important family dinners and events. I had to take blood from patients and prick them again and again till they got really fed up with me. I had to pacify family members who were angry at the system for causing their relative to wait for days for an operation. I had to deal with rude nurses who thought they were so experienced and that they were better and smarter than me. I had to spend a lot of money for expensive catering before i left a particular department. I had to stay up the whole night to check on an ill patient every hour or half an hour. I had to suffer from severe stomach ache due to five hours of delayed voiding as i had no time to run to the toilet. I had to do CPR at 2am while pregnant at 35weeks, alone, while waiting for my staff who were chilling in the pantry to come and realise that the patient was not breathing anymore. I had to endure painful contractions everynight i was oncall in the emergency department when i was pregnant. I had to memorise the history of patients' in three wards before i could get a day off. I had to be patient when i got scolded for other houseofficers' mistakes. 

I went throught it. We all did. What's the big fuss? Why not enjoy every bit of it instead of whining and justifying why you shouldn't have gone through what you went through just because you 'don't plan to become doctors forever'? Why not learn and experience something as much as you can; something that only a doctor understands. I enjoyed every bit of my training. I fell, i stood up again, i learned, and i became better. I had more great moments compared to all the above. Most people concentrate too much on the bad experience when there are actually more happy times to savour and remember. You cant stand the training, quit sooner than later. Coz frankly, you are just not cut out for it.

Positivity

When we do something, it has to come from the heart. It has to be sincere. It has to be full of love and happy thoughts. Coz the end result will be a mixture of how good the product is + how much of good aura it accompanies it. The more positive the energy is, the better the outcome will be.

The outcome can be anything from the dish you cook, to a speech that you give to the public. When you cook with love, it will taste much better. If there is so much hate and boredom, it will taste aweful. When you give a speech with passion, the hall will sit back and listen to every word that comes out of your mouth. And your speech will be remembered forever.

Be positive. Disseminate cheerful vibes. Infect people with continuous laughter. Do everything for love. Stop whining.

Living in a lie

If you think your spouse or boy/girl friend is annoying and disappointing, wait till you hear what i had to go through today.

No I am not going to talk about my marriage, but this is a story that I will always remember from now on. It is about how unfair a person can be to his or her own spouse. The person you took a vow with, for better or for worse. To me, whatever she did, it is worse than having a spouse who cheats with another person.

So this is a true story about a woman who made a mistake in her past and had to create one lie after the other. As a result of her mistake, she was unfortunate enough to be infected with HIV. She knew about it when she became pregnant on the same year. A year after she delivered a healthy baby girl, she met a man whom she married not long after their first date. Their first child was conceived and delivered the next year. The child has HIV positive.

Being the person she is, she refused to accept that their HIV positive child needed treatment. She insisted that their child was fit as a fiddle. She was constantly in denial.

Just recently they had another baby. It has been five years since they got married. And the husband still does not have a clue of her status and their eldest child's. The worst thing is, he has no idea that he could also be infected with it.

Until today, I finally had the chance to meet the husband. Just imagine how he reacted upon receiving the news..

May God grant you the greatest miracle ever.

Not a housewife

I know i can't be a housewife. I know i don't enjoy doing house chores on my own. I know i don't like seeing people leave the house and i am the one closing the gates and the house door. I known i hate staying home alone.

I love my life now. I have a career that i simply enjoy. I look forward for work everyday. Well, sometimes i don't (like when i am down with flu or some bug), but most of the time, i get excited expecting the challenges for the day. Come what may. I am ever ready.

A good life is not only having a family, or earning big bucks. But it is the little things that make your life less miserable. They are the convenience of having your best 'roti canai' shop next to your house (where you can drop by it on the way to the office), having your lovely adorable hubby do the chores together, having time to have breakfast just in time before work starts, and having to drive less than 10 minutes to work.

I love the little things in life. I love that i am not a housewife.

Useless mother i am..

I was talking to one of my staff the other day. She is a mother of four lovely boys.

She told me that the night before her 2 year-old son woke her up at 2 am and said,
"Mummy, i want an egg"..

So what she did was that she woke up, boiled an egg and gave it to her son. At 2 o'clock in the morning.

What would I have done in the same instance? I would tell my son to go back to bed and sleep. And if he starts crying, I'd probably raise my voice and put him outside the room to cry on his own till he stops.

Damn i feel so useless. There is still so much patience and motherly compassion that i need to muster.

Uncertain future

I just finished reading a newspaper article on a story of a couple that got married after a four-month 'telephone' relationship. They saw once before any sparks even ignited, and that was just a five-minute hasty meeting. Then the relationship grew over the phone in that four months. When they decided to meet, they tied the knot. In just four months.

Who would have guessed that a marriage could be done in such haste. Who could have imagined what lies ahead unless you miraculously dreamt of it. Life is extremely uncertain. But it is full of surprises. Whether they are good or bad, we will have to face them and savour them. Who would have expected that the above couple who knew each other for four months are now happily married with a beautiful 2 year-old son. Who would have guessed that the man that you were engaged with for 2 years finally decided to leave you. Who would have guessed that the wife you adored decided to fall for another guy? Who would have guessed that the awaited baby for nine months just had to die immediately after birth...

No one would have guessed any of that. We take life as it comes. But we should always be ready of any trials and tribulations that might hit us hard suddenly. Unknowingly. And when hit low, we should stand up tall again. Afterall, this life is not the end of everything. It is just a start of an investment of how we would be like in the life hereafter.

Unwanted babies

The difference between Malaysia and other countries, is that you can only find babies in toilet bowls/rubbish dumps/drains in Malaysia. It happens on a monthly basis that it sounds like a norm and the 'in' thing to do nowadays. A lot of women and married couple wait for years to hold a precious baby in their arm. And when we hear of unwanted babies chucked in the manhole, it just becomes repulsively unimaginable.

I am not asking the society to condone to pre marital sex that usually leads to this phenomenon, but i urge you to be more supportive and understanding of those teenagers or unmarried women who might have got pregnant unwillingly. Parents should forgive and support their teenage daughters if they made a mistake. The lives of the innocence should not be violently taken away for fear that society might reject them of their past mistakes. Who are we to judge those who have wronged. God is ever forgiving.

Do it right

Our children will sometime refuse to listen to us. Most of the time they ignore our instructions. But they never fail to do what we do.

Actions speak louder than words.

Do it right.

Doctors, stop telling the world that you hate your job.

People who dedicate their lives doing voluntary work are a bunch of amazing people. They do their 'thing' without complaining or sighing. Their hearts are so pure that we could easily fall in love with them anytime. They are usually very humble, very pleasant and extremely helpful. Their dedication for humanity is priceless.

So i went to this volunteering induction programme last week. We were asked to introduce ourselves and tell everyone why were we there on that day. 95% said they wanted to help people.

Then i went back home to go through the internet and saw a bunch of articles and status and tweets written by depressed, frustrated, angry, and sad doctors. They vent out their dissatisfaction and anger freely on Facebook for the world to know how 'difficult' their lives have been for being 'doctors'. They forgot for a while that they get paid to do great things for helpless people in need. Do doctors nowadays have what it takes to be doctors? Or should they just resign and be volunteers instead?

Doctors should refrain themselves from moping too excessively coz what should have been seen as noble wouldn't be noble anymore when all patients hear is complaints of how tired or annoyed their doctors are for attending to them. Geeeshhh..

Back to being a child

Very old people will always be confused, say things that might hurt others, or be forgetful, or say things that we might not understand at all. They have a completely diferent language at times. At the end, we get easily annoyed.

They are no different to children.

Like what has been said before us,
" those whom We have given an extended life, they will go back to how they start.."
Well not exactly word by word, but pretty much what it means..

So be patient with our elderly as we have been informed.

EVERY SINGLE NIGHT...

So this is what i go through every night.

8:30pm.
Hubby tells me that it is time for our toddler to go to bed.

8:45pm.
Toddler is still playing with his toys

9:00pm.
Calls toddler and tells him that it is bedtime. Toddler says that he wants to watch his favourite cartoon. Hubby and i say No. Toddler cries for 5 minutes. Pacify toddler and hug him and cuddle him for a bit.

9:15m.
Toddler asks for milk. Hubby makes milk. I walk with toddler upstairs, put him in his bed and let him finish his milk. I switch off the lights. Once finished, toddler gets out of bed. He wants to read the book.

9:30pm.
I switch the lights on again. Read the book with him. Quickly. Then closes it and says again (with a more stern voice) that it is time to sleep. Toddler cries again for 5 minutes. I switch the lights off.

9:45pm.
I place toddler in his bed. Again. Closes the door. Calls hubby upstairs. Hubby and i lie beside him. Pretending to sleep. Toddler rolls around and crawls on our body. We get irritated. Hubby raises his voice demanding toddler to stop whatever he is doing and sleep. Toddler cries again. I hug and cuddle toddler.

10:00pm.
Toddler is asleep. Hubby and i are in deep sleep..

Perfect Man

So now on Mix fm they are busy talking about whether there is such as thing as The Perfect Man.

I remember this joke that was told to me a few years back.

In a lift there were a lady and three men (Superman, a teacher, and The Perfect Man), and suddenly the lights went out. And when it came back up, it was found that the lady was stabbed in the chest. So the question is, who could have possibly killed the lady? The answer is simple. The teacher. Why? Because the other two don't exist.

How true is this? Seriously, there is no such thing as The perfect man? Some may disagree. Most would agree coz in reality, there is no perfect man for everyone, but there is probably a perfect man just for you..

Knowing and doing whats right

We know what is right and what is wrong. And we get reminded every now and then of the should dos and shouldnts. We know. We have always known. We will always know. The light has been shown upon us.

But executing it seems very difficult.

So how do we start to go about and do it?

Keep praying that we have the strength to do it. One step towards God, a few steps He is closer to us.

Sadness vs reality

What is sad?

A son crying in agony but the mother has no idea that he is in pain.
A wife who suffers in silence from years of abuse but refuses to stand up for justice.
A father who is left in the street by his own children to beg for food every time.
A struggling small timed chef being surrounded by mega food chains that easily make millions in a month.
A confused, rebellious and attention-hungry child stuck between two angry parents who hate each other.
A kitten that just lost its mother.
A mother that threw her baby in the toilet bowl.
A country that is slowly being wiped out of the map due to persistent oppression.
A doctor that misdiagnosed a heart attack with a normal benign muscle pain.

What is sad?

Understand vs habit

This is the usual conversation that i have with my son.

Son: where's Dad?
Me: Dad's working
Son: Oooo..

Honestly, i am not quite sure if he actually understands it, but the fact that he sounds like he does makes me smile everytime. Of course deep inside i'd say 'yeah right as if u understand what i'm saying..'.

I don't know what is actually going on in that beautiful mind of my two-year-old, but i surely hope it is something great. And i will always believe that he understands but acts like he doesn't (most of the time). Grrrrr....

Terrible two

When your baby is not a baby anymore, you will either be easily annoyed or easily annoyed. Honestly, there is no other option.

When they don't get something they want, they scream their lungs out. Loudly and with a decible that is piercingly irritating. Sometimes they wake you up in the middle of your very very deep sleep. As a result, you become an irritated monster.

When the tv is on and they don't get to watch their favourite show, they run away with the remote, rendering you to jump out of your comfortable couch fearing that they will change your favourite show when you are in the middle of finding out 'who is actually the killer..'.

When they sleep, they look so cute that you just want to wake them up..

Don't you just love your children.. :)

Our hearts are with you, MH17

Yesterday was a day in history for Malaysia. We were in solidarity to show our deepest condolence and respect to the victims of MH17.

My heart breaks again and again everytime i read on MH17, on how sad the families of the victims are, how heartbreaking it is to see a one year old son losing his father, a 9- year old son crying and insisting to see the remains of the mother, a mother losing her dutiful son, and a wife losing her soulmate matched in heaven.

There were stories of how great the victim as a father was, or a son, or a mother, or a friend. Only good stories about them and that is all that we needed to hear. There was one victim who once cried thinking of how heartbreaking it would be if his son would grow up as an orphan. Unfortunately, he is now an orphan whom we could just pray would grow up into a fine young man, just like his father once was.

May all your souls rest in peace..

What have we done

Any destruction is more often than not a result of one's own mistake. If one becomes fat, it is because one refuses to reduce the food intake or exercise. If one has poorly controlled diabetes, it is because that one is not compliant to taking the medicine. If an accident happens, it is because one refuses to rest and sleep at the R&R or drive slowly. If one gets addicted to drugs, it is because one wants to 'try out' something dangerous and act 'cool'. If there is a landslide, that is because of destruction of nature. By man.

So most of the time we are the ones that cause all the destruction around us. It is always difficult to undo our mistakes. The ice is melting. The weather is changing. The ozone layer is thinning. The corals are dying. Our genes are mutating. Soon everything will change.

Will we live a hundred years?

I am not the type who thinks much of the future. The reason being, I savour my present. But the real reason is, I am not one of those who think that I would be living till more than 60. I am never a negative thinker. More of a realist. I believe that anything can happen anytime and anywhere. It can be a depressing thought at times, but that never stops me to make sure that today is always better than yesterday. But tomorrow, is an uncertainty to me. I'd rather do everything today than to wait for tomorrow coz it might never come. Impatient maybe. But never a procrastinator.

MH 17 never saw a missile coming. Palestinian kids at the playground never noticed enemies lurking. Death does not come with an invitation. Enemies do not advertise their strategies. Earthquakes do not have a warning. Tsunamis just sweep whatever is along the way. No option is ever given.

moms vs dads

People like to post emotional videos on Facebook regarding a mom's first birthday, what do their children think of their mommies, and those kinds that when you watch, you just can't sop tearing up, no matter how strong you are. These videos are always moving and emotional. The best part is, they are all true.

What mothers do are always seen as amazing. They seem strong on the outside, but deep down, they have the same fear that other mothers have. And when she is seen as perfect, she on the other hand feels very inadequate. Mothers always look at themselves as not given enough, or spent enough time, or played enough time with their children, but the children will always adore and think that their mothers are superwomen and the most beautiful of all. 

don't you just love your mothers?

So where do dads stand? They are seen as the fierce ones who hold the last say. They are potrayed as the ones who come home late, looking all tired after working the whole day trying to make ends meet. They are rarely at home so that they can be out there to make money for the family. Well, that is the picture that we usually get. Children usually go to their dads to ask for money and when the children ask for it, dads never say no. Dads are always there to play with their children at the playground, or to toss them up high till they just can't stop laughing. Dads are the serious ones, but they are the ones that make the children laugh out loud every time they play.

don't you just love your dads?

Doctors vs communication skills

Poor attitude is an upbringing problem. If one lacks good advice from young, high chance he or she will have communication problem with others.

Excellent communication skill is a big part of being a doctor. Doctors should know how to talk to different kind of people to ensure that their knowledge and information are conveyed properly and effectively. This is a skill that does not develop overnight.

Even how tired or sleepy or angry doctors are, people always expect doctors to be in their best mood and behaviour. They expect compassion and sympathy from doctors for a problem as small as a splint in the toe. For doctors, most of the time it is play acting. We need to look as sympathetic as possible although deep inside we feel like laughing or crying (probably too amazed with the complaints that patients can come with). But it is easy to forget that for patients, that small problem is threateningly life changing.

So doctors, play act if you must.

If you can't, hang your whitecoats and leave the field.

Because of RM1

The value of RM1. If you convert it to sterling, it is equivalent to 20 pence. Just an example.

In Malaysia, RM1 can bring you a long way. You get to get treated by medical doctors or medical assistants and receive expensive medicine for free. I repeat, for free. Just for RM1 registration fee.

To most Malaysians, RM1 is not much, but there are still a lot of those who think that paying RM1 for every consultation as a burden. Maybe because they only have RM10 to spend for the whole week to look after five hungry children with a husband that does not care. That, IS a sad story.

But, there are cocky Malaysians who make a big deal out of RM1 and refuse to pay just because they think they deserve free consultation. When insisted to pay, they would throw RM1 note over the table claiming that it is 'just RM1' and 'of course they could pay!'.

What's with the attitude?

This is Malaysia with RM1.

Beauty of nature vs destruction

When humans do not follow rules and regulations, nature suffers. It bears the cost of destruction due to human error and greed. As a result, generations of children miss out. Beautiful sight does not happen overnight. It is a slow process that takes thousands of years. Just because of one mistake committed by man for one second, the beauty is destroyed for eternity.

I just came back from a snorkelling trip to one of the most beautiful islands in the world. What i saw a few days back was nothing near to what i saw 10 years ago. Coral reefs are dead. The water is not as clear. The fishes don't look that great either. Plastic bottles float with pride. The natives don't seem to bother anymore.

Sigh. What a waste.

Computer games vs losing your soul

Computer games are addictive. And equally destructive. It sells your soul to space without you noticing it. Your time and attention are so consumed with playing it that you forget how green your backyard is. Or how colourful butterflies are. Or how lovely being a part of a family is. You forget. And then You just don't care anymore. By that time, you have lost your soul. Your family. And those who love you.

I have relatives who sit in front of the computer for hours that they cannot communicate anymore. They become anti-socials. They become lazy. They become rude. They become mute. They become stupid. They become unsuccessful. They become fat. And they become unloveable anymore. 

Happy

I was having a nice conversation with my old man this morning and we came to a conclusion as to why we are happy and will always remain happy. Despite not having millions of dollars in the bank, or a huge mansion with an olympic size swimming pool at our backyard, or flashy cars in our porch, God willing, we will still be happy. Why?

We are always grateful of whatever we have, no matter how little we have or how difficult the situation that we are in. We always believe that whatever we get no matter how much we might not want it, it is the best for us. There is no need to fish for dirty money coz that never lasts. And that breeds greed with feelings of unhappiness.

And that is why we are always happy.

Pray for Gaza

When you have your house shelled by missile for breakfast, you mother killed at lunch time and yourself stuck under the rubbles for dinner, all you could think of is gaining more strength to face whatever comes in your way. You stop crying. You stop grieving. You stop sighing. You become stronger each day. Never lose hope. Keep fighting till your last breath.

My heart breaks a million times seeing children of gaza being subjected to aggression, missiles, and this unjustified war. My tears go for you mothers who lose your beautiful children to such monstrosity. No parent should see their children die before them. No child should be left parentless just because there are no means to bring them out of the hospital. My heart goes to you and i pray that Allah will destroy your heartless enemies (those who attack and support the attack) as He has promised. May you stay strong and patient as those who are patient are winners. We are all standing by you no matter where we are.

Cerita aku (5)

Tiada buku peraturan atau 'code of conduct' yang diberikan kepada ibu atau bapa sebelum menyiapkan diri menyambut kelahiran anak mereka. Bagi aku, setiap hari membesarkan Armaan adalah pengajaran buat ku. Hari ini aku silap, esok akan ku perbaiki apa sahaja yang serba tidak kena,. Malangnya, setiap hari berbeza telatahnya. Tiada hari yang sama. Segala perbuatanku tidak semestinya diterima cara yang sama. Lawak semalam, mungkin sudah basi hari ini. Makanan kegemaran semalam, mungkin menjelekkan pada hari esok.

Babies are fussy. 

Haih. Sabar sahaja dengan karenah baby Armaan. Comel. Tapi menyedut tenaga ku dari dalam. Waktu tidurku makin pendek, tapi belum sempat pukul 9 malam, aku sudah nyenyak tidur dahulu. Most of the time, Lutfi yang menggantiku melayan karenah Armaan di waktu malam. Thanks hubby...but i need my beauty sleep. :) 

Tiada amaran pernah diberikan sebelum menjadi ibu yang betapa cepatnya setiap hari akan berlalu. Betapa pendeknya masa melihat anakku ini membesar. Betapa geramnya hati tatkala melihat Armaan memunggah mainannya acapkali. Betapa sakitnya pinggang mengangkat bayi yang makin berat setiap hari. Betapa penatnya memungut serpihan biskut dan nasi di atas lantai. Betapa indahnya melihat semua kesakitan hilang tatkala Armaan mengucup pipiku. 

Sungguh bermakna. Sungguh indah. Sungguh memuaskan hati menjadi ibu pada Armaan. I love you my son. It doesn' matter now that you did not come with a set of guidelines..

Bersambung.....

What we want vs what we get

When we want something to happen, something else happens. When we need it to happen, it doesn't happen. When we least expect it, it happens.

I am a strong believer of the words of the Holy Koran. "Not everything that we love is good for us, and not everything we hate is bad for us". There is always a good reason behind everything. Keep believing.

Doctors and arrogance

Doctors/physicians are egoistic buggers. They always think that they are better than other doctors. Stronger. Smarter. More thorough. More attention to details. Busier. More loved. More humble. And the list goes on and on.

Surgeons are worse. Some have Demi-God like attitude. Repulsive. But somehow annoyingly enough it makes them better. But still, humility makes a surgeon the best.

Life is a cycle.

Standing up for my rights doesn't work all the time. So I try to improvise. I drop hints instead. But then people misconstrue them as 'not urgent' or 'not that important'. So I get dismissed. Then I Try to sound demanding, but up to a certain point. I get tired too, you see. By being uptight and bossy.. So I loosen up. But again, people shoot me down. And then I get angry. And I become strict again. And the cycle goes on and on..

Beautiful things in life

Seeing my son grow is simply beautiful.
Seeing him outwit me is priceless.
Hearing him say 'i love you' back without understanding it is amazing.
Seeing him run towards me in excitement means the world to me.
Listening to him cry when he is ill is heartbreaking.
Knowing that he is in pain kills me.
Noticing that he has learned something new everyday is always surprising.
Waking up to see him smiling at me is bliss.
Looking at him sleep brings me peace..

Attack. On. Humanity. Should. Stop.

 The best time to attack is when one is at its most vulnerable moment. The best time to attack is when one is asleep at night. The best time to attack is knowing that one has no means or energy to fight back. The best time to attack is when one is more concerned with defending. The best time to attack for the Zionist regime is when the Palestinians are sleeping, resting, praying, fasting and surrounded by families. And the best places to attack by them are hospitals, schools and mosques where there are children, women, elderly and people who sacrifice their time to treat the consequences of brutal, unfair, cruel, inhumane, abominable attack with no means to fight back. 

The best time of attack does not justify the innocent lives that are taken away.

May they await their loved ones at Jannah. 

Cerita aku (4)

Sambungan ...


Tubuh kecil di pangkuan aku tenung sedalam yang boleh. Setiap hembusan nafas ku perhati sahaja. Indah sekali pandangan ku ini. Sungguh kecil insan ini. Tapi besar sekali impak yang aku terima hanya dengan memandang. Terasa seolah-olah aku tidak perlu apa-apa lagi dalam dunia ini. Kehadiran Armaan cukup melengkapkan segala kekurangan duniawi. I am complete.

Memang indah sekali ketika bayi comel ini sedang nyenyak tidur. Lenyap seketika kesusahan dan masalah dunia. Tetapi sekali kelaparan, terus dia menjerit menangis meminta diberikan susu. Haru-biru aku dibuatnya. Kadang-kadang, aku turut menangis sama. Stress juga dibuatnya. Tidurku memang tidak pernah lena. Tangan sudah cramp kerana acapkali tertido dengan Armaan di atas lenganku. Walau penatku hanya Tuhan sahaja yang tahu, aku enggan membiarkan dia jauh dariku lebih dari 10 minit. Aku nekad memberinya susu badanku selama aku mampu menyusukannya.

Sleep deprivation mula memberi kesan yang agak mengganggu emosi ku. Aku terasa seperti mayat bernyawa. Perasaan cepat marah mula menunjukkan belang. Apabila dia menangis, aku seperti hilang kawalan. Kemurungan seolah-olah menunggu untuk menerpa. Setiap hari aku berharap Armaan akan lena lebih lama agar aku juga dapat melelapkan mata yang sudah macam panda bear ini, tetapi apakan daya, babies will always be babies.

Semua ahli keluarga berkeras ingin membantu. Mula-mula, aku terasa seperti tidak mahukan bantuan. I am strong and I can do everything myself. Wow, sombongnya. Tapi aku semakin hilang pertimbangan kerana badanku semakin penat. Aku mengalah juga akhirnya. Aku perlu tidur sehingga batteriku dicaj sepenuhnya. Susu kuperah sebanyak yang boleh dan ku simpan di dalam peti sejuk. Armaan ku serahkan pada ibuku.


Mungkin itu adalah tidur yang paling nyenyak sepanjang hidupku..



Bersambung.....

Sometimes..

Life is a wheel. One time we are at the top, the next we are deep down below. One time we are elated, the next we are horribly depressed.

Sometimes i sleep so much that i refuse to wake up. Not because that i am terribly lethargic that i need to re-energise, but being in a dream feels so much safer. Better.

When i wake up, sometimes i dread leaving the house. Not because that i am a lazy bump, but it feels nicer to be home. The outside world looks foggy at times.

Sometimes when in the car, i would stay in it for hours. Listening to the radio. Listening to songs that i was not even familiar with. But it definitely felt better than going into the house.

Well, at times, it feels like this.

At times i feel like doing everything myself. Other times, i need company.

Preventable death

Fathers are being prosecuted for abusing their children. Mothers are being prosecuted for neglecting their children. Teens are being caught and jailed for dumping their newborns in the drains or dumpsters. But never have we heard children are being prosecuted for abandoning their old, sick parents and leaving them on the street to beg.

It is expected upon us to look after our families and make sure that they live as long as they could. If one falls ill, treatment should be sought. Unless they are terminally ill, then maybe we could help them to go as painlessly as possible by giving them adequate analgesia (painkillers) during the last moments of their lives.

Sometimes when we fall sick or we have injured any part of our body, a simple visit to the clinic/hospital might help. And most of the time, a simple week-course of antibiotics or medicine or nebulised gas helps to make us feel better. For all we know, it helps to keep us live longer. Coz even a simple untreated infection could cause further damage if not eradicated. People die everyday for delayed treatment. But people never learn.

When husbands decide to go against all odds and put their wives or newborns at risk by delivering at home with no skilled attendant present and no appropriate monitoring available if anything goes haywire, I strongly feel that they should be punished for 'intentionally causing harm' if anyone dies. Coz sometimes, a rapidly breathing newborn needs a simple help of oxygen after birth. Or a mother in labour who is bleeding due to a retained placenta needs it manually removed by a skilled and medically trained personnel to stop her bleeding to death. Or a mother in labour for hours with no sign of delivering the baby might need some assistance using a pair of forceps or vacuum that is only available in the hospital to prevent the baby from asphyxia or distress. Coz if no treatment is sought, a simple preventable death ensues. And it is heartbreaking to hear these sane adults saying something like 'when it is meant to be, it is meant to be' when someone dies at home after delaying and refusing a simple treatment that is life-saving.

To me, this is negligence of the highest degree. And they should be prosecuted just like a mother who lives her child in the dumpster to die. They are no different to each other.

Going against advice vs taking risks

In my religion, it is expected upon us to ask for experts' opinion relating to matters that we are not sure about. For example, if we have a disease, we should ask advice from a certified doctor who knows about the disease. It will be harmful to us if we decide to follow the advice of someone who does not know much about the disease and cause further deterioration to our condition. Another example, when we are in doubt about a religious matter, we ask those who study the matter in and out. It will be utterly ignorant to follow a half-baked advice. If my car broke down, I would get a mechanic to have a look at it and not try to repair it myself. Coz that just screams complete stupidity.

This no brainer concept should apply to everyone. Unfortunately, a lot of people are claiming to be smarter everyday from googling, or internet surfing. They get an information from a website, and then call themselves as those who know. And then they go on to influence others to believe them.

One heartbreaking example I hear every time is home birth or natural birth with no medically trained staff attending a delivery. Yes, birth is a natural process and everyone should have the rights to decide to experience it as naturally as possible. But it should not be at the expense of someone's life.No mother experiences the same thing. No one has the same luck everytime.

All mothers should know that the risk of bleeding to death and other life-threatening conditions can result from trying a vaginal birth after a previous C-Section, let alone more than 1 operation. From years of research and evidence-based studies by obstetrics specialists all around the world, they have come to a unanimous decision to strongly advise against trial of vaginal birth after a history of 2 previous C-sections.

They speak from years of experience. They see so many deaths and morbidity before their eyes from complications that arise due to wrong decisions made by them and by patients. So they learned. Unfortunately, some people refuse to listen and learn from these mistakes. They fight to go against medical advice when all evidence show that they should not. They continue to fight because they think that they are right and they should be allowed to fight for something they believe in just because they want to. When nothing bad happens from their dangerous practice, they say that all these doctors are wrong and trying hard to medicalise every single thing. But when something goes wrong, they would just say that it is fated that way and to die is natural.

The guidelines are obvious.

I keep stumbling upon articles like 'what do we search in a man/woman?' Or 'the wrong things that your husband does' or 'the things that wives don't tell their husbands' or 'how to have a happy marriage' or anything of that sort. Well, you get what I mean. 

So usually the articles will write on everything that everyone wants to hear. They make readers believe that everything they do is right and the partner is the one who should change or keep giving. And they keep writing the S.A.M.E thing over and over again. Yawn..

The thing is, how ignorant can anyone be? How to be a good husband? How to be a good wife? Who are you kidding? How hard can that be? Do we need an article to tell us something that we already know? Just be sweet, be romantic, be tolerant, be loving, be loyal and be kind. And that is pretty much the ingredient to a blissful, long lasting marriage. 

But is that really what happens between husbands and wives?

If a wife says that her marriage is boring, is the husband at fault? Should he have surprised her with her favourite box of chocolates every now and then? Or should she get herself a hobby to keep life interesting? Or should she tell her husband instead? That she is bored to tears and expects a surprise vacation when she least expects it? Coz then at least he can't say that she has never asked for it.

But then again, where is the romantic gesture when one has to tell to get something everytime? 

And are men really that hopeless in thinking what makes their women happy? 

The guidelines are obvious. It is up to us to make something happen.

starving vs balanced diet

Doctors advice patients based on evidence and years of studies and research. If some chose to go against it, then they should be ready to face the consequences. Coz what comes from our mouth, does not come from thin air. 

When doctors advise healthy diet in the process of weight reduction, there are strong reasons for it. When doctors advise against traditional supplement, there are solid reasons behind it. Most of the traditional medicine and herbs available over the counter are not researched properly. Some are fabricated. Some contain poisonous chemicals. A lot contain steroids. Yes they might give short term relief, but give it another couple of years, you will end up in the dialysis centre. Worse, in the morgue.

I had a pregnant patient who was told the worst news a mother could hear. Her baby she was carrying had a condition called anancephaly. It basically means 'without a brain'. So after counselling she decided for termination of pregnancy as the baby was not going to survive anyway. Unfortunately the process was complicated with severe bleeding and she lost about 3 pints of blood. In return, she had to be transfused. Worst, she ended having a Caesarean Section after all that. 

On further history, I have found out that she was taking some traditional diet pills for a year till the first few weeks of her pregnancy. She lost 20 kilos, and literally starved herself from carbs (mainly rice and bread) and other important nutrients. When she knew that she was pregnant, it was already too late to start eating healthy again. The baby had already gone through the first vital formation weeks without enough nutrients and vitamins to develop its brain perfectly.  As a result, the baby had none. 

It was devastating for the mother as it was for us to inform of the depressing news. It is a well known fact that folic acid during the first few weeks of pregnancy is of utmost importance for the formation of the brain and spinal cord. Some people choose to ignore that fact and refuse to take it when they are pregnant. The result is always heart breaking. But people still choose not to listen. When it happens, it is already too late to be regretful.

In this country, our rice and bread and a lot of other food are fortified with folate. So by right, there should be no cases of anancephaly or anything that is related to deficiency in folate. We expect the people of this country are well fed and famine is unheard of. But cases like this still happen. Why? Thanks to the unsafe usage of traditional supplements and poor diet that pretty much deplete the vitamins in the body by a process similar to starvation. 

Kicking a spirit vs a normal trip and fall

Malays are superstitious. Unless they truly believe in God Almighty, they are not too bad. Unfortunately the latter consists of the minority..

Sometimes it annoys me to see how much they believe in things that are not even real. They believe in some tradition because their parents do. They fear for something just because others are too. But when we ask why, they can never think of an answer. They will just say, 'be careful with what you say because you need to be careful'. They do not know why.

This is actually an insult to the brain that is God's gift to every human being that is fortunate enough to loan it from Him. The brain believes what we choose to believe. And it rusts away if we choose not to use it.

Yesterday there was a mother who brought her daughter to us for not being able to walk after a fall. She fell the day before and she suffered in pain the whole night and day just because her mother refused to believe that there was something medically wrong with her. Instead, she brought her daughter to see a traditional healer for 'spiritual' x ray. This guy then placed his hand on her leg and 'worked up' his x-ray vision. After a few seconds, he proudly said that there was nothing wrong with the child.

Feeling unsatisfied, she came to us for second oppinion. Her leg xray noted a fractured bone in her leg.

I couldn't be any angrier. A mother's ignorance in believing that her child could have accidentally kicked a 'jinn' caused her daughter insufferable pain. And I am sure that incident still did not change her mindset.

Malays and khurafat. Inseparable. No wonder malays are still left behind.

What makes my day

I come home from work and I feel tired. Extremely knackered at times. All I ever wanted to do is rest. Lie down on the couch and watch the idiot box. After a long, tiring and sometimes disappointing day at work, I always believe that I deserve some rest. But somehow, sadly, watching the tele does not make me any happier. Lying down on the couch does not make me any calmer. Resting and staring into thin air do not help either.

But unexpectedly seeing my 2 year-old son come and bring me a bottle of vitagen from the fridge, totally makes my day. He might do it as part of his developmental progression. But I look at it as him showing that he cares.

Children act so innocently loving sometimes. Their progress surprises me every time.  Seeing my son grow into a fine young boy lifts my misery. All the time.

Tell me, but how can I not be a proud mummy..

I love you my son. May you grow up into a fine young man..

Human nature to make mistakes

I am the boss at my workplace. Whenever any of my staff does anything wrong, I will call her up to my room for explanation. I will listen to what she has to say and then give a piece of my mind. I rarely scold them. I never raise my voice. But I could be annoyingly strict at times. I do not tolerate trivial mistakes at work. When mistakes are made, I look at them as irresponsible or not using their brains. I demand an explanation every time someone makes a mistake. They tremble just to find the right words to justify their actions. Once they are done, it usually ends up with me correcting them and telling them not to repeat their mistakes. Ever again.

The good side of things (I think) is that I do not belittle them. But I expect them to do their work perfectly. Anything short of perfection is considered as terrible. I expect a lot from them. Maybe too much. Coz once they make a mistake, they put people's lives at stake. But I forgot that they are all humans. And humans make mistakes.

Till I made a mistake today that could possibly jeapordise my career. Kill me as well if I was unlucky. I hurt a person as a result of the mistake that I sincerely erred without the intention to cause harm. I finally did what everyone else does. Being human. 

Guess making mistakes once in a while brings us back down to earth. They make me realise that I am human after all. A tough fact to embrace. But yes, I am just human. So are my staff.

Believing what is real

The world is an open platform. People are easily influenced. There is no barrier between what goes around and what is perceived by the brain and eventually believed by a person. Anyone is freely exposed to lies, slander and propaganda. Unless truth be told, no one will actually know what happens behind closed doors. Even when the truth comes out, no one will ever find out if it is really true or not.

We live in a world of hypocrisy. People create stories to look good. People lie to bring others down. People fabricate to earn more money. People put others down to bring themselves up.

The world is never fair. Our knowledge is too little to compare of what other knowledge there is in this universe. We do not even know how birds fly, let alone what happens behind our eyes.

But when we believe, a lie becomes the truth. The truth becomes a lie. We become mainstreamed. Who has the loudest voice, wins. Who doesn't, will be perceived as liars. Those who keep quiet, are deemed weak. Faith is so strong that it can never shake unless we believe that it is wrong. Whatever our belief is, we should have faith only for The One that remains true. Faith in God is the most powerful of all. Believe in Him as nothing is what it seems in this world. But He is. Always is.

To love or not to love

Today a one and a half year old girl touched my heart. Her innocence and desperation for attention were so apparent that my heart ached so hard I just wanted to cry. But no, I couldn't just cry. She was not my daughter. She was not even my niece. Neither was she my relative.

She was a daughter of a mother who was not even bothered to make her feel loved. Or appreciated. To the extent that she had to come to me, a total stranger, to get a feeling of security and maybe a cuddle.

I looked at her and all I felt was sympathy. I felt for her so bad that I wished she was mine. I wished that she could have a better life. I wished that she could choose who her mother was. I wished that she would not end up just like her mother.

Her mother was under my surveillance. I had to make sure that she was fit to be a mother. More importantly, she wanted to try. She failed me not twice but many times. She was always out with friends going here and there, leaving her three innocent kids with her sick mother in a small and smelly flat. She was the epitome of irresponsibility. She was what no mother should be.

Oh I feel so bad for her neglected children... Beyond words..

Men of yesteryears vs today

Men are always deemed as the simpler species. They are straightforward and more focus. In other words, they do not multitask (No offense!). Not to say that it is a bad trait, but it is something that they are born with. Give them a task to iron the clothes and cook at the same time, wait and see what will happen.

Anyway, certain things have changed. Men are way more domesticated nowadays. They learn to do things that were not expected of them many years ago. In other words, they have learned to multitask. Not only can they drill holes, but now, they can change nappies, cook for the children, and clean the toilets. They make women's lives much easier. And happier.

Although not many men adopt this lifestyle and extremely helpful behaviour, I know one thing for sure that my lovely husband does. He does it not because it is expected of him, but because he is the most loving, caring and responsible husband I could ever wish for. He is the father of our child and for all the great things that he has done for our lovely son and I, I wish him 'happy father's day'..

We love you till death do us part.

To my loving father who I will never stop looking up to, you are the reason why I could love this much. You will always be the greatest father to me. Happy father's day to you.

hold and let go

the joy of holding strong...

and letting go..

Behind a woman, there is everyone else..

More than five years ago I lived with the principle of 'never to depend on others'. I never allowed myself to be emotionally attached to anyone that could leave my heart broken to pieces once it was smashed to the ground, neither would I let people decide my future by controlling my way of thinking.

I was so independent. So strong. So lonely.

Now, every move I make is risk calculated. Everything that I do is not for nothing. Every decision I make involves everyone that matters to me. My future is being shaped by the people around me. By those that I now live for, every single day. By those that I love with all my heart and soul, by those whom I would die for.

This, is how it is going to be from now on.

So dependent. So much stronger. So much loved.

The Danger of internet

Nowadays internet plays a major part in people's lives. With just a click, information is within grasp. Is it a good thing or is it not?

One thing for sure, self diagnosis by would be patients is a big no-no.

This has become an issue in the medical world when patients come to see doctors to argue with them that they know better; after reading an article from some website on google. Interestingly, they would argue with great conviction that their piece of information is better than the doctor's who has studied it for years.

Because of internet, people become experts on homebirths without any trained personnel attending. The result is, preventable deaths amongst mothers and babies increase. Because of internet, people refuse immunisation. The result is, polio is back. Measles is back. More cases are detected and more deaths are noted. Because of internet, people jeapordise their lives by trying traditional or homemade remedies that could prove to be poisonous. And because of internet, patients become 'experts' on their diseases and refuse for treatment from doctors whom they deem do not know much.

It is all because of internet that society is learning wrong things from the wrong people.

planes and flying and storm

I used to love to fly. I used to love turbulence. When there was any, I would mischievously but stupidly take my seat belt off to enjoy the bumpy ride (lucky to still be alive!).

Yes, i love roller coasters and anything that tests my fear factor. I would bungee jump everyday if they had that behind my house. I would go on a speed boat during a stormy night. I would do all that to feel the adrenaline running through my veins.

Not anymore.

Having a son of my own changes everything. Having my own small unit makes me want to stay alive to keep those I love happy and safe. I fear death in a way that only God understands.

Now, i cringe at turbulences. My stomach rumbles when the plane gets into air pockets. My heart stops when it rains while I am on a ferry. I fear for the worst. I am no longer the 15 year old girl who fears nothing. I had experienced an unforgettable incident in the plane that I really thought that I would die. It was so real that my future disappeared before me for once.

Guess age matures me somehow. Or does it?

day in day out

day in day out
i see sick people
i see scared faces
i see anxious patients that fear for the unknown news
i see hope on the positive hearts
i hear disappointment on those who fail repeatedly
i hear resentment in the voices of those who hate

day in day out
i see life
i see death
i see persistence
i see resilience
i see one door shuts, and another opens

day in day out
i hear laughter
i hear cries
i see tears
in their tired eyes

i feel their heartaches
i feel their dejection
my heart breaks to see life slips
from those who pray it never did

this goes to my patients who have lost the ones they love dearly and wish could have travelled the world with..

my pride

armaan lutfi. i love you.

Government hospitals and those who seek for treatment there

There are two types of medical services in Malaysia. The heavily subsidised government hospitals and clinics, and the business oriented hospitals and clinics. At the latter, you may go if you want an en suite room or better food. Not necessarily better treatment.

Having worked with the government, i am a strong advocate for government hospitals. I still believe in their decision making accuracy and skills. The specialists at government hospitals are better, provided they have been specialists for more than 5 years or have been in the service for more than 10 years. Better if they have subspecialised and are consultants. Yes it will take 2 months for a non-urgent MRI appointment, but looking at the long queue, that's the best that they could afford. After all, you have been living with an on and off back ache for 10 years, what's an extra 2 months can cause you. But if you need an MRI the same day, by all means get it done in a private hospital.

So you can imagine how it is like in a government hospital. People pay RM 1, some don't even need to pay anything. And then you go in for a 10 000 dollar operation for free. You get seen by specialists at least twice a day. And before you leave, you get a bag full of expensive medicine ranging from antibiotics to pain killers. Everything for absolutely free or heavily subsidised by the government.

Then you get home and complain how annoying it is to have your bloods taken by a fresh graduate doctor who was there to learn and might have pricked you twice just to get things right. Little that you know, you have contributed so much in providing this innocent doctor the platform to become a great specialist in the future.

Do not be too quick to complain against young doctors that might make some silly mistakes along the way. Unless the mistakes are life threatening, then may be you can drop your comments. But do it professionally and as humanely as possible. Do not complain to demean or defame these young doctors who are there to learn as much as they can. After all, every great doctor comes from a humble start.

Above all, don't forget those that look after you during your stay in the hospital, those specialists who operated on you for hours, and those who have paid tax for your life to get fixed for free.

If you still can't be grateful of all that, try the private hospital the next time you fall sick or you break your bone. See if that makes you any happier.

Traditional healers vs frauds = khurafat

In my culture, people still believe in traditional healers. Most traditional healers in this country consist of frauds. A lot of them are and have been prosecuted for money laundering, cheating, molest and rape. They are sick people who make others believe that they are genuinely sick and that they have just the cure for it. And they make people pay a fortune for the cure.

Come back a few days later, problem still persists. Cancer is still there.

But money has disappeared.

It is unfortunate that despite all the prosecutions and stories on the news, ignorant people still believe in them so strongly that they sideline the one and only most powerful of all. God. When one has a problem or an illness, the best one could do is to believe that God is enough. Of course, one has to put an effort in finding the best, valid and safest treatment and solution available. God willing, the problem will solve. And the illness will pass.

Stop believing that a black string tied around the wrist will cause a baby to stop crying, or getting the viral flu. It is utterly absurd.

Cerita aku (3)

Cerita aku (3)

Hendak dipendekkan cerita, aku berjaya juga tiba di hospital. Kuat juga kudratku. Ku gagahkan langkah ke dalam bilik dan kemudian ke atas katil. Jururawat tenang sahaja.  Sudah biasa agaknya melihat orang dalam kesakitan. Kelihatan seperti ingin membantu, tapi usahanya seperti tidak ikhlas langsung. Ikutkan hati, hendak sahaja aku tolak misi ke tepi. Tepi kau!!! (Well, i wish i had said that). Sabar Lana, sabar..

Tekanan darah dan perutku diperiksa oleh misi. "Misi, mana doktor ni..?" tanyaku dengan nada tidak sabar sambil menahan sakit.

"Saya sudah telefon doktor. Dia dalam perjalanan. Bila sakit, puan sedut gas ni dalam-dalam ya," sambil memberi aku sejenis tiub yang bersambung ke dinding. Setelah itu, dia terus keluar dari bilik. Takut kena marah agaknya. Aku cuba menyedut, tapi terasa seperti lebih menyusahkan hidup. Ku letak gas ke tepi.

Jam di dinding sudah pukul 6. "Mana doktor ni...,". Aku hanya mampu mengeluh menunggu ketibaan doktor yang tak kunjung tiba. Sakit perut makin memulas-mulas. Kini pinggangku sudah mula sakit. Sakitnya bagaikan ingin cirit-birit yang teramat sangat, tetapi terpaksa ku tahan untuk mengelakkan masalah yang lebih besar. Pinggangku pula bagaikan ingin tercabut dari badan. I need to get over this quickly.

Lutfi kelihatan helpless. Apa sahaja yang dilakukan pasti aku akan marah. Dia cuba mengurut belakangku, tapi tangannya ku tepis apabila sakit datang semula. Apabila dia tidak mengurut, pasti aku akan merengek untuk diurut. Tersenyum aku tatkala teringat balik saat ini. Tuhan sahaja yang
tahu betapa aku sayang pada suamiku ini.


 
                                                             ************


"Mana doktor ni...", kesabaran aku sudah tidak dapat dibendung lagi. DUA jam sudah berlalu. Hari pun sudah terang. Tepat jam 8 pagi, doktor ku masuk dengan memberi salam.

Sampai juga dia ni... Teruk sangat ke traffic jam di luar tu.. Ingin sahaja ku hamburkan kata-kata sinis ini.

"Ok Puan Lana, saya akan periksa jalan ya. Oh, sudah 8 cm! Saya beri dalam tiga jam, insyaAllah baby akan lahir,"


"TIGA JAM??" Oh aku tidak sanggup lagi tunggu lama-lama. Belum sempat doktor keluar dari bilik, aku teran sekuat hati sehingga pecah air ketubanku. Aku SUDAH bersedia untuk bersalin. Tolong jangan biarkan aku SAKIT lebih lama.

Doktor terpaksa memeriksa semula dan bukaan jalan sudah 10cm. Alhamdulillah, aku boleh memulakan proses melahirkan anakku. Kakiku kedua-dua belah diangkat ke atas umtuk memudahkan proses bersalin. Hatiku sungguh takut ketika itu. Adakah sakitnya benar-benar seperti bersabung nyawa? Adakah aku akan dapat lihat anakku? Adakah aku akan pergi menyahut panggilanNya? Adakah aku mampu melakukan ini semua? Tuhan Maha Mengetahui.

Mungkin aku bernasib baik. Tidak sampai lima minit, kedengaran suara tangisan anakku memecah keheningan pagi. Tuhan sahaja yang tahu betapa lega dan bersyukurnya hatiku ketika
itu. Sakit hilang serta merta. Aku tidak ingat lagi bagaimana kesakitan itu. Aku seolah-olah lupa apa yang baru sahaja berlaku. Aku tidak mampu berkata apa-apa. Suaraku tidak keluar. Aku terlalu penat untuk berbuat apa-apa.

Aku memandang ke dinding. Terasa bagai tenagaku disedut kesemuanya oleh proses yang perit tapi indah ini. Ku peluk insan kecil itu dan tidak mahu kulepaskan walau sesaatpun. Rentak jantungnya ku rasakan pada dadaku. Jauh di sudut hati, aku berdoa agar dia akan mahu memelukku seperti mana aku tidak mahu melepaskan dakapanku padanya. Air mataku tidak dapat kusekat. Aku tidak malu pada orang di sekelilingku. Lutfi bergenang menahan air matanya. Mama dan Papa sayang Armaan.. Itulah nama buat mu sayang..

Bersambung....

Strong parents vs crying babies

80% of the time, parents bring their sick children to see doctors for assurance. They just want to hear those words; don't worry, it is just the flu. It will pass.

But 80% of those parents refuse to believe those remarks. Why? Cause caring for a sick child is the most challenging job in the history of mankind.

A child's ailment is just a test of how strong parents are. Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

And I AM a strong person. So I thought.

The first time my son had fever, I cried with him. The thought of the worst possibility played in my mind like a broken record. Although I knew exactly what was wrong with him, it felt like there was something bad that was going to happen anytime. It was just a cold. A normal benign cold. But he could not stop crying and that made me extremely helpless. Nothing i did was alleviating his misery. The way i handled him caused him to cry. Not doing anything made him cry even louder. I was at a point of crumbling from NOT knowing what to do.

Guess I am not that strong anyway..

The forgotten past

It amazes me everytime I look back and reminisce my younger impressionable years. I was not exactly the most popular girl in school, but I was in fact, well known (not trying to brag or anything you see). I was popular Not for my looks, not for my talent(if i actually had any!),  and definitely not for my brains. I always had two extremes of the world with me or against me. It was either you hate me or you love me. I was known more for my courage to stand against all odds. I spoke my mind out without thinking twice.

 My enemies hated my gut. 

My friends loved me just the way I was.

It was constantly a struggle to survive the emotional roller coster in high school. I might have looked calm, collected and strong, but mind you, I did have my moments of falling in deep s**t. I grew to hate that part of my life that subconsciously, my brain is erasing certain spots of the memory that make my heart ache just thinking about it. Call me absent minded, but I am starting to believe in suppressed memories. 

The good thing about it, I don't even remember much of the hurt that was caused to me and the s**t thrown at my face. But, it is also at the expense of remembering the close friends whom I once had great time with. 

Sometimes, this makes me lonely.

Cerita aku (2)

Cerita aku (2)


Senyap sunyi pagi. Terasa aman buat seketika. Tubuhku diulit kedinginan pagi. Hilang sejenak rasa sakitku.

Ahh.. Spoke too soon. Aku hanya mampu memeluk tubuhku sepanjang perjalanan. Lutfi kelihatan takut untuk bersuara. Tangan kirinya tidak lepas menggenggam tangan kananku. Tangan kanan pula sibuk memandu.

Aku hanya mahu ke hospital secepat yang mungkin. Setiap minit yang berlalu terasa terlalu lama. Jam masih berdetik. Nyawaku seperti sampai di sini sahaja. Tapi aku masih belum bersedia untuk berhenti. Aku masih mahu meneruskan perjuangan dalam hidup ini walau singkat mana nyawaku. Aku belum bersedia untuk menyerah kalah. Tidak sekali.

                                                                **********

Tujuh tahun dulu, aku dan Lutfi hangat bercinta. Sewaktu bersama, terasa masa berhenti seketika untuk melihat kami bergelak tawa. Bila bergembira, seperti tiada esok bagiku. Di universiti, kami memang sentiasa bersama. Sukar untuk lihat salah seorang sahaja. Kami ibarat belangkas. Lana dan Lutfi. Memang sentiasa berdua. Jika tiada Lutfi, aku mudah terasa kosong. Jadualku, memang padat dengan aktiviti bersama lelaki ini yang cukup sempurna buatku. Yeah, he is not perfect. But he is perfect for me. Aku pasti tersenyum tiap kali ku ungkapkan kata-kata ini. Poyo, tapi cukup benar buatku.

Kini, dia suamiku. Sudah tiga tahun kita berumah tangga, namun Lutfi tetap lelaki sama yang aku fell in love with. 

Ramai orang gemar menakut-nakutkan aku.

"Lana, nanti dah kahwin, semuanya akan berubah. Percaya lah cakap aku,".

"Alah, seronok untuk dua tiga minggu pertama sahaja, nanti korang tak sabar untuk jadi single balik,"

"Sekarang ni orang kahwin grand, tapi tak lama nanti cerai lepas 6 bulan.."

Macam-macam kata orang. Jujurnya, I don't know where all these came from. Kadang-kadang aku tertanya-tanya mengapa orang boleh berkata seperti ini. Mungkin mereka ada cerita hidup mereka yang aku tidak tahu. Honestly, I never want to know their side of story. Mesti depressing! Apa-apapun, doakanlah yang terbaik untukku...

"Aduhhhh..sakit bertambah kuat nih.. lambat lagi ke nak sampai ke hospital?" Aku makin hilang sabar.

"Sikit lagi sayang. Sabar ye..". Makin kuat genggaman tangan Lutfi. Seolah-olah itu akan mengurangkan sakitku. Hah. Banyak pula lampu merah. Yang mana tiada kereta, Lutfi langgarkan sahaja. Janganlah kena tahan polis waktu-waktu begini..


Bersambung..